My Gosh Darn Blog

My Mother has been very ill for several years, but this year has been the worst. To list all of her ailments would take too long. I’m staying with them temporarily because she requires so much care and my Father isn’t in the best of health himself. My family and I think that this will probably be her last Christmas. She’s only 65.

I feel guilty because I get so impatient with her at times. She can be *very* demanding and *very* picky. Luckily, I’ve mastered the art of not letting the impatient side show and I’m always thankful for not saying anything snarky back to her. She never did that to me when I was sick and she deserves the same treatment.

In many ways, we’re closer now than we’ve ever been. I’ve spent countless hours just sitting up with her in the middle of the night when she would be in so much pain and sometimes having someone there to vent to or stroll down memory lane with has done wonders for her attitude, if only temporary. Or to simply get her mind off of everything.

Her biggest and most immediate health concerns are: congestive heart failure and diabetes. She’s already had part of her foot removed due to infections and now they’re talking of doing an amputation of right below the knee. We’re hoping that her body can fight this infection on its own. But if her medical history is any indication, this will not happen and the amputation is inevitable.

To watch the strongest woman I’ve ever known struggle just to walk down the hallway or be too weak to even comb her hair is the most difficult thing I’ve been witness to. It’s interesting to see how the roles have gradually reversed and now I’m the one (and my Father) doing all the pampering in return. It’s the least I can do and no matter what happens, it’ll never be enough to repay her for always being there for me. Always. And for setting the right example of what a woman, wife and Mother should be.

We learn by example and I’ve had the best teacher on the planet.

(This is an older blog I found from last year. Aah, the memories. Good times!)

Lately I’ve had the distinct pleasure of dealing with a few select “special friends.” By that I mean: Major harassment, very suggestive comments and/or messages (that’s why I approve all comments first!!), and my personal favorite – trying to force me into an arranged marriage. I have since reported these wonderful individuals. Go get ‘em Tom!!

At any rate, I was going through some old messages when I came across some that I thought I would share with you today. These are a couple of my responses to some very persistent ‘friends’.

Please use your imagination for the questions:

“…why thank you (?). Although I am flattered by your…umm…proposal, my answer will have to be:

** You can use one or both – they are completely interchangeable **

1.) No. Contact Cirque du Soleil. I hear they are available.

2.) I’m sorry, my HMO doesn’t cover that. Please contact Michael Moore to let your voice be heard about our nation’s medical system in crisis…”

I’m not kidding. I have personally used these responses and they have proven themselves to be quite effective. They work with males and females (that’s right!). They either become nice or delete me. That hurts… it really does.

**I hope this helps.**

IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ

*Names of cities and/or airlines have been changed to protect… well… no one. I just like these names better.*

Making airline reservations can be so boring and tedious with all the “hold please” and automated menus you must go through to get a real human on the phone; today was no exception. I loathe talking to airlines so I thought I would try a new approach for making a reservation. It went something like this…

Airline: Let’s see, I have you scheduled for *Katmandu to *Madagascar and back on the same day. That comes to a total of $387.50. How would you like to pay for this today, Miss?

I was absolutely stunned at the total. This was almost double what I paid last time I took this flight.

Sensing the airline employee was having a bad day with all the “sighing” she was experiencing, I said this:

Me: That much, huh? How flexible is the airline on the types of payments they accept?
Airline: Ma’am? Excuse me? sigh…
Me: Would you, or the the airline, be willing to accept something other than Visa, Mastercard and/or American Express?
Airline: Such as? sigh…
Me: Such as chickens.
Airline: Come again?
Me: Would you, or the the airline, be willing to accept chickens (live, fried, baked, sacrificed… whatever) as an alternative form of payment opposed to the usual credit cards you accept? Can I pay you in chickens instead?
Airline: We only accept the aforementioned forms as payment. Not… not chickens. sigh…
Me: What’s wrong with chickens? It worked for Doc Baker in Little House on the Prairie. Why not *Nixon Airlines?
Airline: Ma’am…
Me: Vegan, huh?
Airline: Hold please.

I was then transferred to the manager and he was very efficient in changing a few things around with my reservation and was able to lower my total to something more reasonable.

Some people cannot take a joke. Or is it just vegans?

I’m kidding!! I like bean sprouts as much as the next person, but only if it’s accompanied with steak and a glass of milk.

Yesterday my son went off to visit relatives up North for 2 weeks with his Father and then on to China for the summer. He returns August 4th.

My son is a very smart boy, but sometimes he says some of the strangest things I have ever heard in my life. Believe me, I’ve heard some whoppers in my time while living in Asia, but tonight was just…. tonight was just really special for some reason. I truly wonder what goes on in his head sometimes. Now more than ever.

We’re sitting at home watching some tween show on Disney when out of the blue he makes the oddest statement to ever come out of his mouth. The conversation went something like this:

Son: “Hey Mom. Guess what I learned today in school?”
Me: “What’s that?”
Son: “My brain is a fruit.”

Long awkward pause

Me: [trying to contain my laughter] “Ummm, what makes you think that?
Son: “Some stupid girl in my class said she thinks my friend Hunter is a big fruitcake.”

Another long pause – waiting for the boy to continue

Me: “Is there more to this story ’cause….”
Son: “She’s always sayin’ how he’s got his head stuck up Johnny’s butt and that all boys are buttheads.”
Me: “And?”
Son: “Hunter is really smart.”
Me: “And?”
Son: [deadpan] “He likes cake.”
Me: “Hunter likes cake, does he?”
Son: [in an impatient voice] “No. Johnny does. Geez Mom, aren’t you following me here? It’s sooo obvious.”

I suddenly felt like I was in the Twilight Zone trying to figure out what went wrong with that conversation. I decided to leave it alone and simply walk away, hoping he’ll forget about this odd conversation he initiated.

I got as far as the next room when he suddenly blurted out, “Or maybe it’s a vegetable; like jello, y’know?”

Right when I’m beginning to seriously question the American school system, my son then says to me, “Mom, I programmed the DVR box for all your favorite shows coming on next week. I’ll be around if you need any help with that.”

He’s 8 years-old.